I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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