That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
