I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
