Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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