I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
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you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
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I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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