mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
