My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
