did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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