Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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