Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
