seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
