I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
