Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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