I just cut my nipple shaving
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
