i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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