Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
