she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
