Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
