It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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