Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
