So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
