Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
