Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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