and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
