Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
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are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
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Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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