I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
