my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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