i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
