he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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