would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
