Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
