The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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