ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
