your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
