Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
