I want to make a zoo with you.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
