I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
