I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
