I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
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The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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