Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
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5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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