You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
