dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
