Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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