You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
