i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
