I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
