when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already