I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
