Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
and technically it was a rebound
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
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I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
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Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...