you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
