im having a threesome with these popsicles
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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