I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
