I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
