the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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