I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Randomize
