I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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