So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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