sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
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btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
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Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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