If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
