I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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