im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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