he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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