make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
